i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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