Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
