I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're like the curious george of whores
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
