i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
