No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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