god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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