Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
