I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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