I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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