I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
