the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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