The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
