Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
