Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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