Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
