seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
