I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
