she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
