This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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