just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is classic penis vs brain.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
