What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
