Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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