If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
