God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
