i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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