i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
