Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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