I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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