Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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