She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
