You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Vodka?
Forever.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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