just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize