My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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