You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I can't put those talents on a resume
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
