Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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