I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
