it hurts more in the daytime
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
