This dress was meant to end up on your floor
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
