he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
