Say something about gay babies.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
