So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
