Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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