You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
