I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
