When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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