Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
