med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize