the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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