Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
