Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
