I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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