So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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