hotel room ftw
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
