I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
