his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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