i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize