he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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