You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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