You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
