Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
